I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
