I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
