I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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