Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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