She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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