He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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