When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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