remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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