i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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