just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
