I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
