is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
