Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
if only i could text you this smell
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
