You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
