Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
