Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
