You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
