don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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