fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
