dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
