If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
