I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
