if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
