Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
