shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
