do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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