i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
