If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
