I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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