So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
