I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
