My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You have to summon your inner elephant
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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