My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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