Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
