Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
