I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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