Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
