Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
