come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
