I'm jealous of your bromance
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
