I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
