I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
