The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
