I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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