I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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