That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think my vagina is haunted
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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