Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
