I must be too annoying 4 u.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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