well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize