I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Can you bring me the toilet please
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
