I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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