Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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