last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
