The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
