one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
