Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
