Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
