is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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